Secrets revealed

During the last month, Maely has experienced many life changing events, but as monumental as those events have been, they pale in comparison to what lies ahead for her.  You see, Maely has had her physical deformity corrected and her surgery is healing nicely.  She is able to walk on her cast now without the aid of crutches and she has adapted well to her temporary physical constraints.  But inside her soul there are some deeper injuries, less visible but more much more painful that will take a very long time to heal.  For the last 11 years Maely has lived in a world of extreme poverty, neglect, rejection, loneliness and uncertainty.  When you first meet her and see her contagious smile, you would never imagine what painful secrets lie behind her sparkling eyes.  Maely doesn't cry.  Even when she left her home and her family to come to the United States, she never shed a tear.  When the anesthesia began to wear off after her surgery, you could see the pain in her eyes but  she refused to cry.  Even when Maely parted with her Grandmother on the day she left to come to the US, Pat had to encourage her to hug her Grandmother.  As you can see in the picture, this seemed to be a new experience for both of them.  Needless to say, Maely has grown up in an environment completely void of affection and although she loves her Grandmother whom she calls "mommy", there was no outward show of affection between them.

Pat and I both are very affectionate and we still hug our kids every time they walk by, even though they are both married now and expecting our first grandchildren.  When Maely first came to stay with us, we treated her like one of our own daughters,  it was obvious she didn't know at first how to respond to respond to this new phenomena.   However, by the time she left for her surgery in LA, she had gotten over that and we could tell she was moved by our hugs.  When we left her with her host family, she bravely said goodbye and although her eyes got a little misty, she still didn't cry.  I, on the other hand, bawled like a baby once we got back to our hotel .  I marvelled at her courage and strength, but deep down inside I was also concerned about what life events could have so hardened this little 11 year old girl's heart to the point where she wouldn't,...or perhaps couldn't cry.

Have you ever experienced a heartache so great that you subconsciously blocked out the memory of it?  Are there gaps in your childhood memory that try as you might, you cannot fill in the blanks?  I believe that God has made us with a built in defense mechanism that sometimes allows this to happen.  It is a means by which we can postpone dealing with the hurt until we are better prepared to handle it.  This is especially true with children.  I know from experience this is true and I know that these memories can lay dormant for years, even decades before they resurface.  And then one day, without warning, something will happen that will trigger their  release and they will come back like a flood, just as vivid, deep and painful as if it were yesterday.

My earliest memories growing up were filled with the sights and sounds of beer joints, liquor stores, Hank Williams and Patsy Cline playing on the juke box and all too often the sounds of my parents drinking and fighting.   They finally divorced when I was 7 but the four years preceding that event were often punctuated with loud terrifying arguments between my Mom and Dad fueled by alcohol and sometimes ending in violence.  My brother who was 7 years older than I would take me out of the house during these fights and tried to shield me from the brunt of it but he couldn't protect me from all of it.  For years afterwards, I was bothered by these memories.  Every time they came up,  I would feel like crying but I was afraid if I ever started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop....So I just bit my lip, hardened my heart and buried those memories a bit deeper in hopes one day they would finally go away.  Years passed and I managed to bury my past so deep that I was seldom bothered by it anymore.  I grew up, got married and started raising a family of my own.  I didn't think of, or talk about my past with anyone for the next 20 years.

22 years after my parents split, my wife and I were living in Kenai Alaska with our two daughters ages 3 and 8.  Both of us came from broken homes and had made a vow that our children would never have to go through what we went through as kids.  We never missed an opportunity to tell them how much we loved them and were always holding or hugging them.  One weekend a new movie began showing at the local theater.  I can't remember the title, but it was about the life of Patsy Cline.  We went to the movies, settled into our seats and began enjoying "pacorncoke" as our young daughters referred to the treat that made going to the movies worth while.  As the previews of coming attractions began to show, I was totally unaware of the emotional maelstrom that was about to unfold.  The scenes in that movie depicted the tumultuous life of the legendary singer and the bars, drinking and fights with her husband bore a striking resemblance to my parents.  The visual images of these events, combined with the original Patsy Cline soundtrack catapulted me immediately back in time to my childhood where I was 5 years old all over again.  I was suddenly overwhelmed by a tidal wave of  pain and heartache from my past that I was helpless to contain.

The tears that I had held back for all those years fell all at once in a torrent of incredible emotional pain and yet it was also mixed with a sense of sweet release.   I jumped out of my seat gasping for breath and heading toward the exit sobbing uncontrollably.  I couldn't understand the flood of emotions that had overwhelmed me and I was sure that once the dam was burst, I would never again be able to regain control.  Pat followed me out of the theater concerned because she had never seen me in this condition before.  She had seen me lose my temper on many occasions, but never seen me break down in tears and weep like this.  It took several days before I was realize the emotional meltdown was due to all that these painful memories from my past that were buried but not forgotten.  I realized no matter how deep or long hurt and heartache are buried, they do not go away and the day will come when they have to be confronted once and for all.  After several days, the turmoil inside finally subsided and the flood of emotions became a pond of quiet and peaceful reflection.  I felt the need to capture in words the essence of my experience but was reluctant to drop my bucket into what had always been a dry well before.

Up to this point in my life, I had never been able to write poetry.  For years I often tried to capture in prose what I was feeling but years of hardening my heart had left me a poetic mute.  Moved once again to express all that I was feeling,  I picked up a pen and in less than an hour wrote the following poem which tells the story of my experience.  I titled this poem "Walls" and it  was soon followed by others which I compiled into a collection called "Poems of Passage"  These poems provided me a means to capture and then express all the emotions that I had suppressed since childhood.  I think this poem may also speak for Maely's struggle as well and might explain why she has had to protect herself from heartache she cannot explain.

WALLS
I find myself held captive by walls I built as a child
Wall built in self defense soon marked the bounds of an inner exile

Too young to understand and unable to deal with the pain,
I withdrew within these walls to escape what I couldn't explain

What was once my fortress, my refuge, soon became my prison
Isolating me from life and love and hope, filling me with indecision

With hollow laughter my secret has been hidden all these years
At times seeking solitude when unable to hold back the tears

This wall unseen, yet impenetrable built completely from within
Must have a weakness, a crack, a flaw somewhere I can begin

Would that I had solved my problem as an oyster does a pearl
and turn this wall into a thing of beauty to be admired by the world

Perhaps someday my heart can blossom through the power of my prose
And I can ignore the thorns of love as I embrace loves tender rose

I will send my heart over the wall carried on the wings of a dove
And hope it survives its journey as it begins its quest for love

I search the sky daily for sign or sound of the dove's return
Waiting, watching, patience such a difficult lesson to learn

Then one day, as I slip deeper and deeper into despair
I hear the doves triumphant cry as it circles in the morning air

A rose clutched in its beak is released and falls gently to the ground
I hesitate, then rush to pick it up as my heart begins to pound

The thorns sink deep into my breast as I clutch it in a tight embrace
Oblivious to the pain as tears of joy stream down my face

My world begins to tremble and the barriers begin to fall
And my heart bolts for freedom through an opening in the wall

The years of pain and anguish disappear in sweet release
And a mountain top of loneliness is exchanged for a valley full of peace

  During the weeks since we return home from LA, we have been in regular contact with Maely by phone and it seems with each conversation she reveals more and more about her troubled life in the village of Potenciana.  What she has begun to share with us so far is deeply disturbing and I'm beginning to see the events that have hardened her heart.  Whether these painful memories have been blocked out, or just suppressed because she had no one to share them with, we don't yet know, but through the loving care of the Morgerman family, Maely is finally starting to open up about her past.  This major step is a wonderful testament to the care Kevin and Gaby have provided her that she feels secure enough to talk about these painful memories.  And as any good psychiatrist (did I spell that right?) will say, that is the first step to emotional health.

Its getting late and I have to work tomorrow so I will close for now.  In the next post,  I will share with you some of the events in Maely's life that have made it necessary for her to harden her heart against.